It Shouldn't Matter

I usually try to keep my blog posts short and relatively light hearted.  This is not that post.

A year or so ago I was walking Matthew around our gated neighborhood early in the morning before work. The neighborhood has little alcoves with benches where you could sit and look at the golf course. I went to one of the alcoves to throw away doggie poo because I had Dash with us. There was a gentleman sitting on the bench and it startled me because I wasn’t paying attention. We said good morning, I kept walking.

A few minutes later I was almost home and security pulls up next to me. He told me that the gentleman I had seen lived in the community. I looked at the man in the car completely confused. I told him I assumed he lived here, why else would he be sitting on a bench in a gated neighborhood so early in the morning. Security said that someone had called to check him out. And then the gentleman told him to find me and let me know he lived there. I didn’t really understand but just told security thank you and I wasn’t concerned.

As a woman, I have to be careful walking alone, with a child, anywhere. But nothing about that experience that morning made me uncomfortable or worried.  Nothing about that gentleman raised any red flags or gave me a “gut” feeling. I didn’t understand why someone would call security on him.

Today...last week...last month...more and more events are taking place and I feel like that confusing moment was confusing because I was naive.

I’ve been trying to sort through how I feel about everything happening in the world right now.  I still don’t know...I think I’m still in a state of shock. Not “I’m shocked” but the state where your body or even your mind, can’t react. 

I think I’m scared. In fact, I know I’m scared. I’m scared about COVID, but I know that at some point that will be medically treatable and preventable. I’m scared of the emotional state of our country. I’m scared of the entitlement of people in our country. I’m scared of the solutions from people in our country. I’m scared that humans take on the role of God so casually and pass judgment on matters that they have no concept of. I’m scared of so much I can’t even articulate. I’m scared for so many that my heart genuinely aches.

I have no answers. I feel helpless. I can only cry.  And I will keep crying because that’s how I express such overwhelming emotions.  Such rage, such embarrassment, such sadness, such heartbreak...I am crying. 

I will work to raise my child to see and hear and respect. I will work to do the same and set that example.

Did I mention that the gentleman on the bench was black?  Should it even have mattered. 

I Can't...And That's OK

I am at home.  I am at home as an instructional coach.  I am at home as an educator.  I am at home as an educator that loves supporting teachers.  I am at home as an educator that found a passion in the world of educational technology.

I am at home.  I am at home as a mom.  I am at home as a mom of a 20 month old.  I am at home as a working mom of a toddler.

I am at home as a working mom of a toddler.  The end.  That is my day.

I am up early to make a cup of coffee and answer some emails or create a tutorial video, but it's no use.  The moment my son senses someone is up, the calls to Mama and Dadee begin.  The calls to Dash (the dog), Nana (my husband's mom), and Papaw (my husband's dad) begin.  After a few minutes, he takes a book and begins to flip through the pages.  After a few more minutes the cries come.  He's done waiting.  He KNOWS.  He knows someone is up and someone had better come get him.

After that, the "book", "walk", and "more" (I'm hungry) begin.  On repeat.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade this time for anything.  Not for a million bajillion fratrillion dollars.  Yup made that up.  But you get the idea.  However, I also recognize that at his age, he needs almost constant engagement.  I do not really want to have the TV on all day, and even if I did, it doesn't hold his attention.  Books do a good deal of occupying his time while I'm in meetings.  So do exploring the "new" toys I set out for him or the activities I prepare (as best as I can).  However, when my meetings run for 40+ minutes there are bound to be times when I have to mute the mic to redirect him.

Again, I wouldn't trade it for anything.  What would I trade?  Just about anything else.  What have I traded?  Just about everything else.  Right now, I feel as if I have almost completely sworn off of social media.  I barely talk to my friends.  I talk to my parents and my husband's parents.  And when I say talk, I mean I send them pictures of their grandchild once or twice a day send a text or two back and forth and then get distracted by work or my son.  I have one friend who will message me at any given time 8-9 EST or 10-11 EST.  I usually respond in the morning when I am awake before the rest of my household and it's 3-4am PST.  This is my world.

This is my world right now.  I can't be on Twitter.  I can't do Twitter chats.  I can't update on Instagram and Facebook.  I can't be a presence and support.  I can't...and that's OK.  Because I am doing chats with my son as he practices saying new words.  It's OK because I am updating my family on how we are doing and getting updates on how they are doing.  It's OK because I am a presence for my teachers and my family.  I am here to support them.

So if you are trying to #jugglethestruggleEDU hardcore right now, it's ok.  Pick a priority or two...and then for everything else, you can't...and that's OK.

A Quiet Moment

I am taking some time tonight to write a blog post.

I have the lights off, Inside Out is on Disney+, my husband is still at work and my son is asleep. 

Every day I have time to myself but I'm always doing or thinking or going.  Much like any other adult or parent or person.  That is usually in the morning on my drive to work.  Once I get to work, though, there's no stopping and that goes on pretty much until I pass out that night.  Again, much like any other adult or parent or person. 

Here's the important thing to remember, no person, at least no person that I know, can keep that level of constant "on the go" be it physical or mental.  It's so important to take some time for yourself.  Call it work life balance, call it self care, call it whatever you want.  Take some time for yourself.  Whatever that might look like; time to invest in yourself through reading, watching a movie, writing a blog, taking a class...taking a quiet moment. 

What To Sacrifice?

I picked my #oneword2020 as a way to challenge my status quo. I do not have a platform.  I do not have one educational passion that I am known for. At times, I feel quite directionless. I don’t even know what I want for my future goals. Scratch that, I know, but none of my options are exclusive. I want it all. And I can’t have it all. This has been a “problem” for me for as long as I can remember. I. Want. It. All. I want all the shoes. I want all the hair styles. I want all the social media platforms. I want all the ways my career could flourish. I want all the family. I want all the dedication. The thing is, I can’t have it all.  

I never understood the expression “Have your cake and eat it too.”  Well of course if you have cake, you’re going to eat it. That makes no sense. However, as I grow older, though not necessarily wiser, I realize that it’s not about the eating of the cake. It’s about having it when you’re done. If I choose one path, I can’t have the other one. If I choose to eat the cake now, I won’t have it when I’m really craving it. 

So, with all that said, how do I know what to do?  Do I find a focus and put all my energy into that?  Do I go into a educational field that isn’t exactly in K12 schools?  Do I try and create my own path?  Do I keep trying for that leadership position?  Do I try and teach from home?  

Now, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not complaining. I am beyond grateful to have all of these visions for my future (and more)!  I guess I’m looking for direction.  I’m looking for advice. How did you choose?  Why did you choose?  Is what you sacrificed for what you chose worth it?  

I’m scared I will chose the wrong sacrifice. 

Know Yourself

I would like to say that I'm an introvert.  However, there are times that I don't feel like it. 

The times that I'm tagging people, sometimes friends and sometimes acquaintances,  on Twitter.  The times when I'm constantly on Voxer trying to ask questions and share my thoughts.  The times when I'm doing a PD and I'm bouncing around like what I'm talking about is THE most exciting thing in the world (and I mean there are times when I really do LOVE it so the bounce is completely natural).  All of these times and more I'm putting myself out there and making connections and getting my name out there.  I'm not always very successful, but I do it.  I do it because I want to learn.

However, there are times when I can't.  It takes so much of my energy to be in constant contact.  And while I genuinely do enjoy it even if it's hard, I'm drained. 

So I must be an introvert?  Because while I enjoy the connections, it's so draining?  Because there are times (few and far between) that I just have to take a break?  Because the reality is that it's easier for me to chat via media than small talk in person?

And what does all this have to do with anything?  Because I went back to school on Monday, just like many of you.  And after 3 days of working with colleagues, chatting, PDs, laughing, planning, analyzing, meeting, etc. I want nothing more than to go home and go to bed.  I don't really want to be on Voxer.  I don't really want to be on Twitter.  At times, I don't even want to talk to my husband. 

I just want to be alone.  I just need my time to decompress and do nothing.  To put on a movie that I want.  To do something I enjoy on my laptop, that isn't connected to others.  That is tonight and that is this post.  While I'm writing it...I am not on my phone and I am alone.  My husband is gone, my son is alseep, and I am tunnel vision focus on the screen in front of me.  It feels good. 

Am I an introvert?  There are parts of my that very much are.  And there are parts that very much aren't.  So...true to my #oneword2020 WHY do I have to be all or nothing and WHY do I have to decide.  I don't.

Goodnight

It’s been a long day and I’m not able to blog. That’s a lie. I am able to blog. But I choose to sleep. 

There are days we should choose sleep. 

Say Thank You

I decided today that I need to teach my son to sign thank you.  He said thank you for the first time on Christmas and then he said it again today at the pediatrician's office.  After the excited reaction from mom, he also said it a few more times just for fun.

When we were done at the pediatrician, we went back to the front and I told Matthew, it's so important to say thank you when someone does you a favor or goes out of their way for you.  Even if you have to go out of your way to say thank you.  Now, going back into the office after I'd gone through the exit door isn't exactly going out of my way.  However, with a toddler, that walk becomes a little longer.  So we went back in and I thanked the lady behind the desk for getting us in early so we didn't have to wait.  After that, we left.

No big.  But it made me think about how often do we say thank you for even the smallest things that probably typically get forgotten?  When was the last time you went out of your way to say thank you?

I'm not going out of my way, but I would like to say thank you to you for reading this.  Thank you for taking your time away from anything else to read this.