I Can't...And That's OK

I am at home.  I am at home as an instructional coach.  I am at home as an educator.  I am at home as an educator that loves supporting teachers.  I am at home as an educator that found a passion in the world of educational technology.

I am at home.  I am at home as a mom.  I am at home as a mom of a 20 month old.  I am at home as a working mom of a toddler.

I am at home as a working mom of a toddler.  The end.  That is my day.

I am up early to make a cup of coffee and answer some emails or create a tutorial video, but it's no use.  The moment my son senses someone is up, the calls to Mama and Dadee begin.  The calls to Dash (the dog), Nana (my husband's mom), and Papaw (my husband's dad) begin.  After a few minutes, he takes a book and begins to flip through the pages.  After a few more minutes the cries come.  He's done waiting.  He KNOWS.  He knows someone is up and someone had better come get him.

After that, the "book", "walk", and "more" (I'm hungry) begin.  On repeat.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade this time for anything.  Not for a million bajillion fratrillion dollars.  Yup made that up.  But you get the idea.  However, I also recognize that at his age, he needs almost constant engagement.  I do not really want to have the TV on all day, and even if I did, it doesn't hold his attention.  Books do a good deal of occupying his time while I'm in meetings.  So do exploring the "new" toys I set out for him or the activities I prepare (as best as I can).  However, when my meetings run for 40+ minutes there are bound to be times when I have to mute the mic to redirect him.

Again, I wouldn't trade it for anything.  What would I trade?  Just about anything else.  What have I traded?  Just about everything else.  Right now, I feel as if I have almost completely sworn off of social media.  I barely talk to my friends.  I talk to my parents and my husband's parents.  And when I say talk, I mean I send them pictures of their grandchild once or twice a day send a text or two back and forth and then get distracted by work or my son.  I have one friend who will message me at any given time 8-9 EST or 10-11 EST.  I usually respond in the morning when I am awake before the rest of my household and it's 3-4am PST.  This is my world.

This is my world right now.  I can't be on Twitter.  I can't do Twitter chats.  I can't update on Instagram and Facebook.  I can't be a presence and support.  I can't...and that's OK.  Because I am doing chats with my son as he practices saying new words.  It's OK because I am updating my family on how we are doing and getting updates on how they are doing.  It's OK because I am a presence for my teachers and my family.  I am here to support them.

So if you are trying to #jugglethestruggleEDU hardcore right now, it's ok.  Pick a priority or two...and then for everything else, you can't...and that's OK.

What To Sacrifice?

I picked my #oneword2020 as a way to challenge my status quo. I do not have a platform.  I do not have one educational passion that I am known for. At times, I feel quite directionless. I don’t even know what I want for my future goals. Scratch that, I know, but none of my options are exclusive. I want it all. And I can’t have it all. This has been a “problem” for me for as long as I can remember. I. Want. It. All. I want all the shoes. I want all the hair styles. I want all the social media platforms. I want all the ways my career could flourish. I want all the family. I want all the dedication. The thing is, I can’t have it all.  

I never understood the expression “Have your cake and eat it too.”  Well of course if you have cake, you’re going to eat it. That makes no sense. However, as I grow older, though not necessarily wiser, I realize that it’s not about the eating of the cake. It’s about having it when you’re done. If I choose one path, I can’t have the other one. If I choose to eat the cake now, I won’t have it when I’m really craving it. 

So, with all that said, how do I know what to do?  Do I find a focus and put all my energy into that?  Do I go into a educational field that isn’t exactly in K12 schools?  Do I try and create my own path?  Do I keep trying for that leadership position?  Do I try and teach from home?  

Now, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not complaining. I am beyond grateful to have all of these visions for my future (and more)!  I guess I’m looking for direction.  I’m looking for advice. How did you choose?  Why did you choose?  Is what you sacrificed for what you chose worth it?  

I’m scared I will chose the wrong sacrifice. 

Know Yourself

I would like to say that I'm an introvert.  However, there are times that I don't feel like it. 

The times that I'm tagging people, sometimes friends and sometimes acquaintances,  on Twitter.  The times when I'm constantly on Voxer trying to ask questions and share my thoughts.  The times when I'm doing a PD and I'm bouncing around like what I'm talking about is THE most exciting thing in the world (and I mean there are times when I really do LOVE it so the bounce is completely natural).  All of these times and more I'm putting myself out there and making connections and getting my name out there.  I'm not always very successful, but I do it.  I do it because I want to learn.

However, there are times when I can't.  It takes so much of my energy to be in constant contact.  And while I genuinely do enjoy it even if it's hard, I'm drained. 

So I must be an introvert?  Because while I enjoy the connections, it's so draining?  Because there are times (few and far between) that I just have to take a break?  Because the reality is that it's easier for me to chat via media than small talk in person?

And what does all this have to do with anything?  Because I went back to school on Monday, just like many of you.  And after 3 days of working with colleagues, chatting, PDs, laughing, planning, analyzing, meeting, etc. I want nothing more than to go home and go to bed.  I don't really want to be on Voxer.  I don't really want to be on Twitter.  At times, I don't even want to talk to my husband. 

I just want to be alone.  I just need my time to decompress and do nothing.  To put on a movie that I want.  To do something I enjoy on my laptop, that isn't connected to others.  That is tonight and that is this post.  While I'm writing it...I am not on my phone and I am alone.  My husband is gone, my son is alseep, and I am tunnel vision focus on the screen in front of me.  It feels good. 

Am I an introvert?  There are parts of my that very much are.  And there are parts that very much aren't.  So...true to my #oneword2020 WHY do I have to be all or nothing and WHY do I have to decide.  I don't.

Goodnight

It’s been a long day and I’m not able to blog. That’s a lie. I am able to blog. But I choose to sleep. 

There are days we should choose sleep.