It Shouldn't Matter

I usually try to keep my blog posts short and relatively light hearted.  This is not that post.

A year or so ago I was walking Matthew around our gated neighborhood early in the morning before work. The neighborhood has little alcoves with benches where you could sit and look at the golf course. I went to one of the alcoves to throw away doggie poo because I had Dash with us. There was a gentleman sitting on the bench and it startled me because I wasn’t paying attention. We said good morning, I kept walking.

A few minutes later I was almost home and security pulls up next to me. He told me that the gentleman I had seen lived in the community. I looked at the man in the car completely confused. I told him I assumed he lived here, why else would he be sitting on a bench in a gated neighborhood so early in the morning. Security said that someone had called to check him out. And then the gentleman told him to find me and let me know he lived there. I didn’t really understand but just told security thank you and I wasn’t concerned.

As a woman, I have to be careful walking alone, with a child, anywhere. But nothing about that experience that morning made me uncomfortable or worried.  Nothing about that gentleman raised any red flags or gave me a “gut” feeling. I didn’t understand why someone would call security on him.

Today...last week...last month...more and more events are taking place and I feel like that confusing moment was confusing because I was naive.

I’ve been trying to sort through how I feel about everything happening in the world right now.  I still don’t know...I think I’m still in a state of shock. Not “I’m shocked” but the state where your body or even your mind, can’t react. 

I think I’m scared. In fact, I know I’m scared. I’m scared about COVID, but I know that at some point that will be medically treatable and preventable. I’m scared of the emotional state of our country. I’m scared of the entitlement of people in our country. I’m scared of the solutions from people in our country. I’m scared that humans take on the role of God so casually and pass judgment on matters that they have no concept of. I’m scared of so much I can’t even articulate. I’m scared for so many that my heart genuinely aches.

I have no answers. I feel helpless. I can only cry.  And I will keep crying because that’s how I express such overwhelming emotions.  Such rage, such embarrassment, such sadness, such heartbreak...I am crying. 

I will work to raise my child to see and hear and respect. I will work to do the same and set that example.

Did I mention that the gentleman on the bench was black?  Should it even have mattered.